Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

When it comes to loss, real painful heart-wrenching loss, there is really nothing that anyone else can say or do to make it better for you.

However, there is the strangest comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could do, and that still wasn't enough. That you exhausted all your resources, and you still couldn't make it better.

What I'm saying is, there is a certain amount of freedom that you feel when you finally give up on something. A burden is lifted. And even though you are still sore from carrying it around for so long, you can now start to heal instead of continuing to make it worse.

I resisted giving up for a long time, thinking it was weak, and that I was better than that, and if I just kept going, kept trying, the powers that be would make sure that everything would turn out right. Like in the movies.

But this is the real world, as you all know, and I have finally accepted that there are situations that are completely beyond my control. I think you know what I'm talking about. Some of you do.

And now everything is my life is meshing, at least for now. I don't have this black cloud looming in the distance that I have to combat. I am in college at a great university, I have a couple of great jobs (even if they don't pay enough, they are fun), I am making friends and generally feeling really optimistic about life.

It still hurts. It's tearing me to pieces inside. But we've moved from struggling to grieving, and that is a big step, I think.

I want to be healthy. I'm trying to heal.