Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

Someone left a comment on this journal recently describing my life as "self obsessed". Instead of going off on a diatribe on how he probably just read the one entry and passed judgement then (or going off on the horrific sentence diagram you would get from "Your life to me seems to be rather self obsessed.") I want to make this point:

Of course I'm obsessed with myself.

I have one set of eyes, one set of ears, one set of hands, one body with which to experience the world. I am the center of my world. I don't claim any different, and anyone who does is either lying to you or themselves.

I am my greatest puzzle, even though I know myself better than anyone. I am constantly pondering my beliefs, my movements, my speech. How I think of myself, how I present myself and how I know myself effects how other people think of themselves as well. I have often said that when asked to, people will define themselves in terms of relationships: sister, boss, Baptist, whatever: relationships to people and institutions and ideas.

Basically, it is totally appropriate for my online journal to be about me. So even though Mr. Barry Johnson will probably never come back to read this, I just want to make that clear.

Since I'm absorbed in myself, I can briefly lapse into a self-pitying, melodramatic lament: I remember struck me as funny that people thought I and an estranged best friend had been dating and had broken up. I love him like my brother, but I do sometimes wonder if I was crazy and and we were never really friends at all, but instead, not much more than acquaintances, and I just assumed we were really tight.

I figured out today that I've been trying to fill the hole that was/is my estranged best friend and not letting people make thier own places in my heart (corny, yes, but poetic truth). This has lead me to two conclusions:

1) No one is ever going to fit in the hole, no matter how hard I push.

2) Maybe I should save that space in case he comes back.

Everything is fluid, and nothing is set in stone. Things can always change, for better or for worse, and I can always remember that the passing years have done wonders for the way I view things, and maybe some years going by can change another's perspective as well.