Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

So if you haven't heard yet (or if I forgot to call you because Friday and the succeeding days have been such a whirlwind) I did not get into the Lamar Dodd School of Art here at UGA this semester. What does this mean, you ask?

Well I've given it some thought, and it simply means my plans for next semester have changed. I'm going to only one class next semester (an art history, the very last of my non-studio requirements), and take a semester to hopefully both:

1. get a second job

2. figure some things out about where my life is going at this point

I know it's surprising how well I'm holding it together, seeing as how I've been working towards this for years now.

The truth is I'm not.

Here is the thing about me: for as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been destined to be a loser, to be a deadbeat, to not do anything great or interesting with my life. I feel like I have a fight that destiny, like a current I have to swim against. I feel like I have to work twice as hard to get the same results as other people.

I feel like there is nothing in my life that will ever come easy to me.

And it hurts, to try and be so accomplished, to work your ass off, and still not get anywhere, even though you worked hard and tried to do everything you were supposed to, even though you wanted it so much.

And right now it seems so much easier to give up, to stop worrying about what may happen or what could happen and spend some time being young and not making any more life-altering decisions for awhile.

So I am giving myself some time. Having to work out the money side of almost taking a semester off seems one hundred times easier than having two weeks to write new plans.

The danger of "taking time" is the idle time, the time I might have to think about what has happened, about what I've essentially let happen, and I'm worried about not staying super busy, because I feel being over extended and absolutely exhausted has saved my life a couple of times, forcing me to keep it together, because I have to. Someone has to take of me. And that someone is me, right now.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm just really having a hard time dealing.