Old, Drunk, has-been, and not even 21
January 7, 2004 - 2:05am
My inner child is forty-five years old!
I've never really liked children, not even when I
was one. I want things neat, ordered, and
adult--fine wine instead of french fries, pina
coladas by the pool instead of beach sand
between my toes. Now if only my fellow adults
would stop acting like such, well, children!
How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Congratulations!! You're a shot of some good old
hard liquor!
What Drink Are You?
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And now, I sigh.
I feel very estranged from everybody out there for some reason.
The phrase "everybody out there" seems a bit telling now that I have typed it out.
It's not really anyone else's fault, the blame is ultimately only with me. I suck at keeping in touch, especially in certain cases when I'm terrified of the conversation that will ensue.
I've found I've entered a brand-new phase of insecurity. Just sheer loneliness, coupled with a refusal, by my body or my heart, to do anything about it. This was a reoccuring theme in younger, angstier times, and I thought I had outgrown it.
But now, nearly 21, the world as my oyster and all that, I feel alone and abandoned, left behind in search of something better. Like everyone realized at the same time that I'm not a charming or fun or even “cool” young woman, but just a fat, selfish, depressed and withdrawn little girl, and they should keep their distance, like my flaws are disease you can catch.
This is all, of course, my sincerest yet most unfounded phobias driving me mad. This is what I continue to tell myself. That I needn't be so hard on myself and things will pick up again eventually, that all people get busy, and that a brief disengagement from the world at large is healthy, even if it feels antisocial.
Oh, how late nights inspire such ridiculous amounts of melodrama. Christ, I need to grow up already. Such far out, arresting mood swings are so 1998.
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
And I'm tired
I should not have let you go
Tags:
January 7, 2004 - 2:47am
I can't say anything Jenna....I STILL go through that stuff and I'm freakin 24. Sometimes....sometimes it's okay to fall off of the face of the earch and reorganize. It's just that(in my case) sometimes it's hard to get back to earth. The cool thing about you is that you have a radio signal from mars called your journal to help you stay connected. I say don't worry about it. It seems to be...well...it seems to me so far that this kind of stuff just seems to be the natural course for some people...you just have to weather the storm and wait for the sail towards the breeze...as always..blessed be to you.
January 7, 2004 - 5:07pm
The best way to bite phobias in the ass is to face them. Get out there do the things that are holding you back!!! But you've got to be the one to take that first step. And I know you've heard that and I'm sure you're telling yourself that but it's true. I know...Hell I've been there done that and have long since burnt that damn t-shirt ;) Regardless though don't ever forget we believe in, accept, and love you just the way you are. Not because we have to but because we want to. My long ago made offer still stands...I'm here for you in anyway needed.
Sorry didn't mean to sound so Dr.Philish...hahaha Don't hold it against me please ;)
January 7, 2004 - 10:27pm
I know what you're going theough Jenna. Except well, I'm not 20 years old. But I'm basically going through the whole withdrawn/moodswing/alone-ish thing. So don't feel too alone. You're the one I count on to cheer me up! Know why? Cuz you're just so damn cool! I love you babe!*HUGS*
