Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

In response to the previous entry, I got this e-mail. She raises some valid points and though my tone is overly analytical in the reply I think it might clear some things up. So if you are confused or concerned read on.

“First off you can be pissed at me for what follows...Tell me to mind my own business if you see fit...But just know that none of what I'm about to say is meant in anyway shape or form to be malicious...

Please tell me you don't honestly believe that the only way you can experience "this constant cloud of intense feelings and things to talk and think about and feel" is through being miserable? You can be happy and experience all those things as well. I mean I think that I'm a fairly happy person but I'm also very intense at times, rarely run out of things to talk about and hell sometimes I think I feel to much. If that's possible ;) I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to trade one in for the other.

You say "drama and romanticism" are what makes life worth living. But what about your art? Your friends and family? All the things that are important to you? The thing I fear the most is that with this behavior, this thinking, that you're going to push the people who care about you further and further away. If you can't/won't/don't want to help yourself then there's no possible way we can. Girl we love you and I think you seem to be forgetting that.”

So I have to tell you that you totally missed the point of that whole journal.

First, the journal was statements of fact, not opinion, meaning that I am speaking from experience, not some ill-formed jump to conclusion.

<< Please tell me you don't honestly believe that the only way you can experience "this constant cloud of intense feelings and things to talk and think about and feel" is through being miserable? >>

I don't believe that, but it's not about the possibilities, it's not about what could happen, or what might happen; it's about was has happened, and in terms of intensity, in terms of feeling like I am actually alive, I feel more like a breathing thinking human being when I am depressed than when I am not. This is not to say that I am pleased with this. This is not to say that I don't want to change. This is a simple declaration.

<< You say "drama and romanticism" are what makes life worth living. >>

No, no, no. I said that "being happy usually makes things too static, takes away the drama and the romanticism. Somewhere along the way I was convinced these are the things that make my life worth living!" There is a regretful tone there. It could have been Kerouac or Salinger who taught me to think this way, but I think it has more to do with my childhood. When I was very young, there was a fight in my house everyday. There was cursing, throwing, and innumerable other offenses that should not be commited against family, against spouses, against children. I've found, that among other things, this dysfunctional upbringing convinced me on some deep level that if you are acting happy, it must be fake (as I witnessed); it also got me used to chaos and therefore causes me to react to emotional stability as if it were some unwelcome stranger.

<< The thing I fear the most is that with this behavior, this thinking, that you're going to push the people who care about you further and further away. >>

I do feel like pushing people away lately, but the desire has more to do with being misunderstood and trying to be repaired rather than not wanting to be around people. I know you are talking more about my abasive and outlandish behavior—which I know has been a problem—but there are certain relationships I have out there which I have decided may not be worth it to restore, or even just actively upkeep. Some of it is starting to seem, more than anything else, like a chore. My friends should not be a chore to me.

Maybe this is just me withdrawing, and it will get better in time. But either way, what I'm feeling is still what I'm feeling, no matter how irrational those feelings are. I am aware that I sound lately like I am without reason or logic, but some things in life are not governed by logic or rational. What I am experiencing is still founded in a few facts, which can be numbered on one hand, that add up to this horrible dissatisfaction I have with my life in general. This is all genuine, and this is all real, including this:

"The idea that I could be sabotaging myself has me a little distressed."

The part where I fear that there is some part of me that doesn't want me to get better, and that I am working against myself from the inside.

You didn't strike me as malicious but you did strike me as outraged and moreover, reactionary. I know this has largely to do with your concern for me, but I would ask you to read more carefully—maybe even between the lines—next time.

Thank you,
jt