Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

I could never imbibe enough liquid courage to tell him how I really feel. These days I'm a coward with a staggeringly high tolerance.

CB (9:07:13 PM): you're a hardass. not that i condone that.
CB (9:07:16 PM): but you can drink.
Jen (9:07:36 PM): me?
CB (9:08:06 PM): yup

I do not have a drinking problem. I will concede that drinking is how I deal with my problems. However, I'm fine with that. I know it's not socially acceptable. But I have never made a high bid for the acceptance of society. Drinking, for me, is not a cause, but a symptom.

I will admit that I self-medicate with alcohol, and it works. I always feel like I've exercised demons after a night of raucous fun. I consistently feel like I've taken a load off by having drinks after work. I have a better time and am more outgoing when drinking. I like drinking. It's a comforting and social activity. Being hungover sometimes is worth it. I would like for the major hangovers to be distanced further apart, so I'm adjusting my habits, not eliminating them. It's a process.

I don't know how to separate my personality from my vices, but I am not compelled to, so I'm not worried about it. I'm becoming more drawn to people lately that like me the way I am, vices and all, which some might describe as unchallenging or appeasement, but I think of it as acceptance. I feel accepted, and normal, and relaxed. I don't like the tension of having to defend myself, especially since I don't feel like there is anything to defend.

My problem, of late, is I am suffering from a broken heart and an unrelated crisis of identity. Getting drunk is just how it is manifesting on the outside. I'm dealing with it on my own time. There is nothing to be worried about. Everything will be fine.