Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

Shame. It's worse than being depressed. It's worse than being angry. There is a self righteous implication to the latter two. The first simply compels you to be torn up inside, wondering how to make it right.

I've been reminded that the only thing that can make you feel lower than being out among the beautiful people is taking out that low feeling on your friends, on the people that you are supposed to lean on. Feeling unhappy, I lashed out, and before I even knew what I was doing, I had flat out alienated myself again.

Some part of me sabotages every good thing I have going; that part aches to be alone so I can wallow and be tragic. It's such teenage melodrama, and every time I think I've outgrown it, it senses the relaxation in facade and creeps out.

I've been thinking on the best couple of days on what is real, while I've been telling people I “don't feel like myself”. The problem is, I think I do feel like myself, and that the happy party girl is just a front. That's scary to me.

That scant five minutes when I was drunk and yelling for no goddamn reason have made me think a lot. I still can't figure out exactly what happened, how I went from 0 to 60, spiraling out of control. The situation has seemed to go the normal Tollerson course of just holding your breath until the problem goes away, until things blow over, but I just wish I could take the whole thing back. Things are not the same now.

This should not be mistaken for a public apology. These are the histrionic ravings of a sad, craven young woman. Apologies are delivered in person, with no public urging acceptance. I'm not sure anyone should accept my apology. I never awarded the role model for my behavior that consideration, and always felt considerably high and mighty about it. I tell my mother to this day that she ruined my childhood with such outbursts. Why should I be given any leeway, especially when broadcasting such business to anyone that will listen? Am I as ashamed I should be? How can I be, writing here?