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You are reading the life, times, and general musings of Jenna Tollerson. I am an independent web developer living in and around Athens, Georgia, USA. [read more]
I had a chance to finally open up on Saturday. I cried. In fact, I sobbed uncontrollably. But before I could feel any kind of catharsis, I pulled myself back together. I have this intense desire to not burden anyone, so when I am in fact falling off the edge, it feels like no one sees it.
“What are you doing?”
“I'm sitting alone in the dark, crying.”
“Really? Why?”
“I hate my life and I wish I was dead.”
Things aren't like they used to be. My short year where I had a nice, middle-class living feels like a previous life. In that life when I was upset I would go out and get drunk, or buy myself some shiny thing, or treat myself to a dinner out. I know now that those were not much more than quick fixes, but now I can't even utilize a quick fix. Now I know that one night can't fix me. I feel totally damaged and worthless all of the time. It takes every ounce of everything I've got to get myself out of bed. And lately, sometimes even that simple act — the act of pulling myself upright and out of bed — is impossible. There are days when it hasn't happened. The strange thing about being self employed is you can give yourself the day off because you are feeling blue, but you can only do that for so long. I am broke, with overdue projects and no concrete prospects and this feeling of hopelessness permeating everything. I really don't want to go on.
But of course I will, because I don't have the balls to do anything drastic, positive or negative. I always worry about the things I might miss if I make any big decisions. It's why I don't lose the weight I want to lose, it's why I don't tell certain people just how I feel about them, it's why I don't leave Athens, it's why I don't move back in with my parents no matter how much money I'd save, it's why I haven't offed myself even though I've had the desire off and on consistently for the last ten years or so.
Even though I often feel like I don't have any deep relationships, I'd still miss these people. I'd miss the conversations, the dancing, the hugging, the getting high together, the getting drunk together, the high fives, watching people play pool, my nicknames, being loud, being quiet, watching movies, exchanging mixtapes, telling stories, and most of all, laughing.
These are the things that keep me going, when I think I've got nothing to live for.
You are reading the life, times, and general musings of Jenna Tollerson. I am an independent web developer living in and around Athens, Georgia, USA. [read more]
