Jenna's House of Idiosyncrasies Version 10.0 [Focus.]

This morning, on the way to my car, I was approached by two gentlemen slightly older than myself, wielding a small hand held camera with a large, red-carpet-at-the-oscars microphone wired to it. They asked if I could help them with a project, and ask me “some questions about the birds and the bees.” Usually, I would laugh and brush off anyone trying to interview me on the street—I have walked past a fair number of petitioners, student film makers and news anchors in my short life—but something about these guys made me rethink just saying that I was in a hurry and dashing past. They smiled genuinely and asked politely. They just seemed so damn sincere.

I relented, and the camera started to roll. I immediately went into panic mode, as if I was addressing an entire room. Not good. Definitely not good.

“Did anyone ever sit you down and tell you about the birds and the bees?”

Well, I got a extremely weird speech from my mother when I was about 10? I think? The only thing I really remember about it was that she kept referring to my potential future husband—a person who was completely mythical at the time and moreover, I could not care less about at ten years old—as my “mate”. As in, “One day you will grow up and choose a mate.” Like the only thing my life was good for was growing up and popping out more little Jennas, to ensure the survival of the species. As if I were endangered, like a panda. She gave me the speech after cornering me while I was taking a bath, so I'm sitting in the tub naked, and I remember trying to disappear under the water so she would just leave me alone. She droned on for so long that the water got cold around me but I wouldn't get out because it felt safer than standing and getting even colder. I'm pretty sure that incident fucked me up for life.

“No.”

“So when did you first learn about sex?”

“When did I first hear about it or when did I first see it?”

Wait, wait, wait Jenna where are you planning on going with this?

“Hear about it.”

“Honestly I was so young I don't even remember.”

Nice. Very wholesome.

“So if no one ever sat down with you how did you learn about sex?”

“Porn.”

Hold on! Let's do some damage control!

“Really?”

“Well, you know how dads have Playboys stacked up around the house? My dad was like that.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK. Did you seriously just say that on camera? You just know this shit's gonna end up on YouTube.

“Well thanks for your time. What was you name?”

Don't give them your real name. Think fast! Katie! April! Jessica! George!

“Jenna.”

Good job. Ya fucking idiot.

“Well thank you for your time Jenna.”

They shut the camera off and I started breathing normally again.

“So what's this for?”

“Actually, it's for a church.”

Shit. I have so totally just furthered their cause.

I think they could see that freaked me out a little. They went on to say that they are getting some different perspectives, because they feel like no one talks about sex in church, and they should, because it's important. I decided, inside, that I could probably hang with that. They then handed me a glossy business card, complete with a URL, and I was on my way.

I immediately regretted the whole thing.

I stopped in at the smoke shop and told the guy behind the counter—a gentlemen old enough to be my father who I have one of those comfortable regular-customer type relationships with—about the whole incident.

“And now, they have me on tape saying that my dad kept porn in plain sight when I was at an impressionable young age. Awesome!”

“Ha! I'm pretty sure that's how I learned about it too. A lot of people do.”

“This is what I'm saying. It didn't fuck up any of us too bad, right?”

“True, true. Although in my day, a girl in a one piece bathing suit was, um—”

“—scandalous?”

“Exactly.”

We'll change the way you think about SEX.

We watch it, talk about it, imagine it,
enjoy it, even get hurt by it.
God designed it. Culture redefined it. But who got it right?
In this new teaching series, Jim Carpenter will help us discover God's incredible design for sex.
Married or single, parent or not, dating or searching, teen or college this series is for all of us as we uncover insights on what it means to be human, maintaining sexual purity, casting a big vision for big sex, teaching your kids about sex, protecting the marriage bed, and understanding the spiritual and physical dynamics of human sexuality.

I can't decide how I feel about this. Maintaining sexual purity? Seriously?

Although I doubt this congregation and my social circles overlap, on the off chance they do, I just hope to not be recognized, for once.

And that the video doesn't end up on YouTube.